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Minnesotan's syrup/immigration take should be boiled, bottled, buried forever

When you see this image, are you: 1) curious what the process that created this substance is called, 2) angry about immigration, 3) hungry, 4) confused about what the hell this question is even about?

When you see this image, are you: 1) curious what the process that created this substance is called, 2) angry about immigration, 3) hungry, 4) confused about what the hell this question is even about? Anthony Souffle, Star Tribune

Are you capable of thinking about literally anything without thinking of how much you dislike people from foreign countries who risk everything, up to and including their death or the deaths of their immediate family, all for the chance at a life in the United States?

Bret Collier, "over 50" and a resident of Big Lake, is not. Not long ago, Mr. Collier submitted a letter to the Star Tribune about the usage of certain terms which should or should not christen the process of making a sweet substance, one commonly used on pancakes, waffles, or really anything that needs a certain pine-y flavored sweetness that you just can't get from sugar, honey, or blind hatred of people from other countries.

Ol' Bret here says the verb for the act of turning tree sap to syrup is "sugaring," not "syruping," as he's heard it called on a local radio show and seen it written in the Star Tribune. For Bret, a Vermont native who "sugared for many years," this misnomer was pretty much akin to a crime against humanity.

Unlike, say, detaining desperate migrants for extended periods of time, an action this federal government has exercised to the extent of letting young children die. If that bothers Bret Collier, there's not much indication in his short, absurd, enraged letter to the local newspaper. 

And if you're wondering why we're suddenly talking about immigration, imagine the way most sensible people felt the first, second, and fifth times they read Collier's letter to the editor. 

Here's the good shit:

I am getting sick and tired of the continued bastardization of our language/lexicon for no apparent reason. It’s not enough that liberal forces are attempting to replace the descriptor “illegal alien” with “undocumented”; they have now decided to start redefining classic/original descriptions of centuries-old practices in an attempt to further dumb down the populace.

Here's a "classic/original description" of Bret Collier's letter: It is weird, dumb, and contributes absolutely nothing to public discourse about syrup or immigration.

A Google search reveals some 57,000-plus website references to "syruping," including one from the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources. "Sugaring" turns up more than six million hits, though it appears some good number of them appear to be about a method of removing body hair, perhaps from one's labia. The hair removal practice "has roots in Egyptian and Middle Eastern cultures," as reported by SELF magazine.

So if someone could let Bret Collier know his favorite word for his favorite hobby is also being used to label a popular and foreign-born way for American women to get hairless legs and pussies, please forward his response to news@citypages.com, thanks.

By the way, a Google search of Bret Collier of Big Lake, Minnesota, reveals he worked as a nuclear engineer according to an appeals court decision about his divorce.

The richest (or sweetest, if you're craving wordplay) part of Vermont refugee Bret Collier's letter comes with its fittingly bitter and stupid sign-off. The "busybodies" who use the word "sugaring" should, he writes, "find something productive to do." 

Wrong again Bret. It's the assholes writing stupid letters about syrup and "liberal forces" who should make better use of their time. We suggest finding the clicker and changing the channel from Fox News, finding or making a stack of pancakes, and spending some time staring out the window while you wonder what left that void in your soul.