You will never guess Joe Mauer's crazy nickname!


Joe! Minnesota Twins

Joe Mauer, hometown baseball hero, what's your nickname? 

J-Bird? The Side Burner? Chairman Mauer? T.C. and JoJo? Tower of Mauer? The Notorious OBP? Trilateral Keg Freakness? Joseph the Amazing Technicolor Dream G.O.A.T.?   

Sadly, none of the above. 

So we learned Wednesday when the Minnesota Twins unveiled their special nickname jerseys. As part of MLB's inaugural Players Weekend (August 25-27), "all players will wear colorful, non-traditional uniforms featuring alternate designs, and Twins players are excited for the chance to show off their personalities to the fans," according to a press release.  

Specifically, 17 players were excited, since Joe Mauer, Robbie Grossman, Taylor Rogers, and Ryan Pressly went with their Christian names.

Here are some on-the-house suggestions, fellas: 

-- Mauer: see above

-- Grossman: Gross $$$

-- Rogers: Swifty 

-- Pressly: Hunka Hunka Burning Glove 

But let's hear some of that alleged enthusiasm. Byron "Buck" Buxton, what say you? 

"It's something different to try," he said via the press release. "I think it's pretty cool to find ways to interact with the fans more. I'm going with 'Buck.'"

Hell yeah he is! 

Speaking of going, the game-worm jerseys will be going to auction, with 100 percent of proceeds benefiting the MLB-MLBPA Youth Development Foundation. But wait, that's not all: Players Weekend will also see players sporting patches on their sleeves, each one emblazoned with the name of an influential person in their lives. 

"It'll be fun," Brian "Doz" Dozier says. "There's a patch with our handwriting about the most influential people in our life in baseball. It's tough because I've had a lot of people that have impacted me, but I just put the people of Fulton, Mississippi. It's my small hometown, and they mean a lot to me."

Alright, let's rank these nicknames: 

1. The Doof (Tyler Duffey, pitching a goddamn perfect nickname game)
2. Różycki (Max Kepler, possibly alluding* to the Polish cryptologist affiliated with the Enigma machine)
3. Magic (Ervin Santana)
4. El De La Pica (Eduardo Escobar)
5. Chulo (Jorge Polanco)
6. Orlandito (Jose Berrios)
7. Baudidou (Eddie Rosario)
8. Peej (Phil Hughes)
9. Volador (Adalberto Mejia)
10. Bulldoze (Hector Santiago, kinda stepping on Dozier's toes)
11. Doz (Brian Dozier)
12. Buck (Byron Buxton)
13. Stro (Jason Castro)
14. G (Chris Gimenez)
15. Perk (Glen Perkins)
16. Gaurenero (Ehire Adrianza)
17. Buddy (Buddy Boshers)
18. Grossman (Robbie Grossman)
19. Pressly (Ryan Pressly)
20. Morales (Bartolo Colon, docked thousands of points for not going with his existing/perfect/trademarked nickname: Big Sexy!) 
21. Mauer (Joe Mauer ... are we really paying this guy $23 million per year to not come up with wacky nicknames?)

Not a "He Hate Me" among 'em, but not bad. Currently 55-56, the Twins will be in Toronto for a three-game battle against the Blue Jays during Player's Weekend. 

*Update: Nope