comScore

Migrant gangs coming for our lake homes, Minnesota retiree warns nation

A migrant caravan filled with dangerous gangbangers and “unknown Middle Easterners” (pictured above) is coming to take your lake home.

A migrant caravan filled with dangerous gangbangers and “unknown Middle Easterners” (pictured above) is coming to take your lake home. Moises Castillo, Associated Press

First they came for our jobs. Then they came for our crime – which they could only do in their spare time because, you know, the job thing. Now they’re coming for our lake homes.

“They” is a caravan of migrants escaping the violence of Central America. The group, numbering as many as 7,000, is presently in southern Mexico, marching north to the U.S. border.

It may take some time, since they’re broke. And on foot. And walking across a continent never goes as swiftly as planned. But if they reach America’s southern border, analysts believe they’re a threat to infiltrate the U.S. roofing and fruit-picking industries, while possibly filling low-level vacancies in nursing homes.

So Republicans have issued a five-alarm warning of the impending threat. They contend the caravan includes gangbangers and “unknown Middle Easterners.” The controversy promises to hurl Americans into an all-out war between those with operative mental faculties, and those without. 

“That is an assault on our country, and in that caravan you have some very bad people, and we can’t let that happen to our country,” President Trump said at a rally Monday night.

There is no evidence the aforementioned bad guys are included in the caravan, since arch-criminals rarely commit themselves to that much exercise. Statistics further say that immigrants are prone to lower crimes rates than U.S.-born citizens.

Yet the Scary Brown People Method is a time-honored tradition in American politics, practiced by some of the greatest statesmen of our past, including Richard Nixon, George Wallace, and the leading intellects of the Ku Klux Klan. It’s proven highly effective in summoning conservatives to the polls.

According to a September Star Tribune poll, immigration is the No. 1 issue for supporters of GOP gubernatorial candidate Jeff Johnson. It’s certainly a major fear for Carol Shields, 75, a retired accountant from northern Minnesota.

She warned the New York Times that the migrants, now 2,000 miles from the U.S. border, could reach Texas and simply keep walking, all the way to Minnesota woods country, where they would take over lake homes and cabins – after they got done taking our jobs and our crime, of course.

“What’s to stop them?” asked Shields. “We have a lot of people who live on lakes in the summer and winter someplace else. When they come back in the spring, their house would be occupied.”

But since the migrants are on foot, and will no doubt have to stop for bathroom breaks, the Great Lake Home Threat isn’t expected to gain immediacy until sometime next year, and possibly later, depending upon how their shoes hold up.