Somehow, the world has gone a long 42 years without a remake of A Star Is Born.
Older generations did not suffer such privation. They could count on a version every other decade—with Janet Gaynor and Fredric March in 1937, with Judy Garland and James Mason in 1954, and in 1976 with Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson. (Insert your own half-assed cultural criticism about what each pairing says about the decade that spawned it here.)
Our long A Star Is Born drought ends next week, with Bradley Cooper, surely the 21st century's answer to Fredric March, and Lady Gaga in the Janjudbra Gaygarlsand role. But still. The ’30s, the ‘50s, the ‘70s, the ‘10s—as anyone who knows basic math can tell you, we should have had another A Star Is Born remake in the ’90s.
And apparently, we came close. After The Bodyguard, Whitney Houston was approached for a remake, with Denzel Washington, Wesley Snipes, and Eddie Murphy all suggested for the male lead. But that project was shelved. And so, we settled for alternative forms of entertainment like “The Rockafeller Skank,” the Clinton impeachment, and Y2K prepping.
But what if? Who would have been cast? I asked a bunch of friends and randos on social media that very question, inspiring this elaborate scenario from Bret Mcabe on Facebook:
I'm guessing '90s Hollywood would try to make it more "alt-rock," so I'm going to go with Juliette Lewis as the no-name punk starlet and Val Kilmer as the eccentrically weathered vet. Allison Anders' screenplay adaptation would be a minor legend you read about in Premiere but what they ended up shooting was Kevin Williamson's trying-too-hard-to-be-cool punch up. Tom DeCillo was originally attached to direct but once Miramax bought the rights they gave it to Baz Luhrman based on Strictly Ballroom, and Luhrman's attempt at gritty realism so backfired he decided he'd never do anything reality based again, and the film did so poorly it's still not available on home video.
Not everyone who responded put that much thought into it, but still this proved the rare internet question to which there is (almost) no bad answer. (Even if I couldn’t tell from those answers if anyone replying had actually seen any version of the movie at all.) So I selected a dozen of the best responses, and now you get to vote on which is best, because this is America, dammit, and we vote on things here.