Robert Kelly Image courtesy the standup


Robert Kelly

Daily from Nov. 8-10
8 p.m.
Daily from Nov. 9-10
10:30 p.m.

“I feel bad for everyone in a riot, but I really feel bad for the fat riot cop,” comedian Robert Kelly tells an audience. “He was just home chilling and he gets a call, ‘There’s a riot. Get your riot gear on and be downtown in 20 minutes.’ He’s like, ‘I haven’t worn that stuff in, like, nine years. I’m going to get fired. I wore it for Halloween three years ago. Do I still have it?’” After that bit, Kelly assures audience, “You’ve never noticed the fat riot cop before, but you’re going to now. He looks like a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.” Kelly is feeling his age too, though. “In your 20s, time doesn’t matter,” he says. “You think, ‘I’m going to live forever, my hair is always going to be hair.’ I have 30 summers left. That’s a real number. I don’t have time for crappy people in my life.” That includes friends with mediocre stories. “I have one friend who loves to tell stories. He thinks they’re awesome, because in the middle he says, ‘true story.’ Stop saying, ‘true story,’ you’re not a Navy SEAL.”